What a misty life!
I took this photo last week, while seated somewhere in the streets of Italy after a school training and wondering, now what next!
That there, was probably one of the lowest moments I have had since I moved abroad.
I remember walking down the streets, balancing tears in my eyes and wondering… so, what next?
I am one of those people who are so much afraid of uncertainties that the only super power that I could ever ask for is to foresee the future.
Behind the scenes, things have happened. I have been on a constantly moving emotional roller coaster!
Have you ever been to an amusement park? And got on one of these things? You know how you feel right? Yeah, that’s exactly me for the past two weeks.
One moment high, the next, down down down, and again high ,and then low, and down down down ,,,aaaaargh! it has just been terrible!
A fortnight ago, I was probably the happiest person in the world. I mean! I just landed my first job in Europe. If it were you, what do you do? Call family and friends first-right? And I did just that. I was meant to start in three days’ time! How glorious! But that there my people, was an act of counting my chicks before they hatched.
Imagine walking down the streets, with shopping bags full on both hands, full of new clothes and shoes ready to go to the office the next day. Then you hear a beep on your phone. You assume it, must be one of those usual mail alerts from Ryanair or Airbnb. But then, you receive a message. Ok , let’s read this message then. So you put down all your shopping and stand at the same spot. It’s 4 degrees outside, taking off those gloves to check a mail or message is already an act of bravery during these cold winter days.
The message says, kindly urgently check your mail.
Ok. I will kindly and urgently check. What is this that is so urgent anyway. I get curious.
Oho! BOOM!!! Just like a bomb, you read this: ( I will translate, it was in Italian)
‘The board had a meeting this morning,
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Having looked at your documentation, we are sorry that we are not legally allowed to employ you since your permit to stay in the country does not allow you to work in Italy!’
BOOM! The dreams you had, the plans you had started making, everything you had thought off, the joy, the excitement – in a blink, BOOM!
Can you imagine having told all the people close to you that you have landed your first job abroad, then everyone is so happy and excited for you ,then you go for drinks and party, and then what happens next ! Streeeeessss my people streeeeesss! But in this whole story I must admit that I laughed a little bit. Some of my friends are really always ready to fight my wars! I love them to bits!
So, remember I was telling you about walking down the streets with shopping bags? I was not alone, I was with a friend. With bags full of suits, new shoes, new blouses, and a gelato on the other hand. So when I read the mail, I was like OK, next time. My friend on the other hand! Aiyaiyaiya! You could think that the mail was directed to him! The ranting that happened, at some point I even had to stop him and tell him to gather himself together. I mean, I was the owner of the mail and the situation at hand yet I was calm! He was annoyed! And then when I told two of my girlfriends , damn, they already had their ‘claws’ on a ready to type and respond to mail mode. Woah! I had to stop them. Now that I think about it, it was comical. Guys got my back tight like a bra strap. lol.
I know their feeling, all their short lived happiness shattered, the happiness of all friends and family shattered. But you know what, that is life. And the beauty of all of it is that opportunities present themselves always and I am a true believer in that.
And then, just before I could get over that, the same night at about 5am CET time, I receive a call from Kenya. I always pick up my calls no matter what time, no matter who calls, I will always pick up. So, with a croaky voice I answered:
‘Hey , it is 5 a.m. in Italy, can I call you back when I wake up?’
‘Oh no, we are sorry, but we have lost….’ They responded.
There goes another BOOM! What the hell is happening? Here you go, in a country far away from home, you have lost a close family member, your people are grieving, and yet, you cannot be there to grieve with them! And just like that, everything in my mouth became tasteless. I tried to cry but I couldn’t!
It is quite difficult to get me there. Only silly things like see here makes me cry. And when I do cry, I let it all out! To compensate for all the moments I do not cry. When grave things happen, I become a piece of wall. I am one of those people whon will even create a second wall if they can. All I want to do when am sad is to be alone, walk alone and just be alone for some time.
Now, is one of those moments, the only difference is that I am abroad, unable to leave the country for now, unable to be with family. The only option is to grieve via WhatsApp and endless phone calls just to know how everything is going on back home. You know what? I always wondered how people abroad feel when they cannot go back home for funerals. I remember my cousins in US failing to attend funerals back home and I knew it must have been difficult for them. Now here I am, in a nearly similar situation. It bites, it stings, it hurts!
The only comforting bit right now is the support system I have from my loved ones, and that I am writing this during my lunch break at work. Oh yes, another opportunity surfaced. In a span of two weeks, I have been employed, unemployed, bereaved , and then employed again. What an emotional roller coaster!
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